


i go back all the time, Jim

by naomi_winchester



Series: Trekkie Love Triangle [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Closure, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Song fic, apology letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 09:03:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15215744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naomi_winchester/pseuds/naomi_winchester
Summary: Spock may not be one for singing, but McCoy was right.He owed Jim an apology.Disclaimer: I don't own "Back To December" by Taylor Swift.





	i go back all the time, Jim

Spock had not touched the microphone since karaoke night had been born into existence.

It would have been illogical to sing, as he did not listen to music or enjoy it, but he attended the event because it was quality time with the crew. Even if he did have the urge to sing, the fateful day of the song addressed to him had eliminated it thoroughly.

But he knew that he owed Jim an apology either way.

So here he was, writing a letter.

_Dear Jim,_

_I’m glad you still make time to see me. We do not play chess as often as we once did, but I suppose some change had to be done. We do not talk as we did before, so tell me, how is your life? How is Dr. McCoy? He refuses to speak to me now, among others._

_You seem well. You’re busier than ever with all of your duties as captain. It must be hard for you, to work so close to me. It’s hard for me as well, to have such closeness with someone for it to be reduced to small talk about our mission._

_But I suppose your guard is up, and I, of all people, should know the reason for it._

_The last time you saw me must have been burned into your mind. I betrayed you, Jim. I had called you T’hy’la, but I did not treat you like you were such. You loved me with everything you have, and I didn’t share even a quarter of myself with you._

_You gifted me with roses and I had left them there to die._

_So this is me putting aside my pride and apologizing for that night. I think about it all the time, wishing I could go back and change what I’d done. I’d wasted you, Jim. I went after her because I desired her… at least, I thought I did. I missed you all the time, even though I had you all along._

_I wish I realized what I had when you were mine._

_If I could go back…_

_I haven’t been sleeping well. I get ready for sleep, and then my thoughts often turn to what I did to you. I think about how I hid away in my rooms during your birthday, how I did not even say hello. Vulcans do not celebrate their date of birth, but I remember that you introduced me to such a celebration on the date of mine. I owed you much more than hiding away like I did. I owed you a lot more than anything I’ve done to you._

_But most of all, I think of the times before I had strayed. When you and I would walk side by side, and I could hear your laugh, beautiful and bright. I think about_ autumn, _when I realized how deep my affection for you ran._

_The amount of affection… of love. It outmatched every other feeling I could ever possibly have, and it terrified me. So much so, that when you had given me every ounce of your love, I ran, and had given you only goodbyes._

_I miss your skin, even more so, I miss your smile. You had been so good to me, Jim. I remember you holding me after my mother’s death, the first time you had ever seen me cry._

_And maybe this is all nonsense, this entire letter, and I’ve devolved into lunacy by my own hand… but if you find yourself thinking of me, wanting to come back to me… my arms would always be open and waiting for you. I would rectify my mistakes and love you as you deserve to be loved._

_However, I do realize that I’ve hurt you beyond the possibilities of second chances. I know that you’ve found the love you deserve within Dr. McCoy and that he will treat you better than I ever have, maybe more than I ever could._

_So if you decline such an offer, I would understand completely._

_But I would like you to know that if I could go back, if I could undo all of this pain, I would. In a way, I go back all the time._

_Sincerely,_

_Spock._

 

Jim caresses the paper with his thumb, McCoy rubbing the captain's shoulders from behind him.

“Would you have accepted his offer? If I hadn’t been here?”

Jim tilts his head, still staring at the words Spock had written. “I don’t know. I can’t say.”

Silence lingers between the two.

“He seems sorry,” Bones offers.

Jim smiles softly back at him. “He _is_ sorry. For a lot of things, I imagine. But our time together is over, and he’ll just have to learn to live with it. He’ll find happiness elsewhere,” Jim says firmly, leaning back into McCoy.


End file.
